the times are changin'
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Friday, June 15, 2012

celebrating life, or this story is not actually about me

day 4 of project 365
first of all, thanks for the comments about running shoes! i am planning to go to a running store this weekend and will definitely keep me eye out for asics.

i am going to use today's post to celebrate a new little one! two of our best friends--our MOH and best man, in fact--met their first child face-to-face last night. i just cannot believe it! it has been SUCH a joy to have known and been able to walk through life together with BK from dating MK, to engagement, to the first few years of marriage, and now she has a baby. ever since i got to really know her heart, her deep desire to be a mother has always been apparent, and how beautiful it is to see that desire met by the Lord! i am so proud of these new parents and CANNOT WAIT TO MEET LIL KLICKERS!
it's so bizarre to see your friends become parents. everytime i saw BK fully pregnant, i always had to take a double check. it didn't help that we moved just a couple of months before they became preggers, but still. that could be me pregnant. crazy town.

i had ice cream with a dear friend last night. we had conversations about lots of things, but as we anticipated the text revealing lil EK's arrival, we kept coming back to the topic of babies. what a comfort it was to find someone else who is having very similar struggles to mine. there are days where my heart just longs for motherhood. there are days where the thoughts of pregnancy and little ones terrifies me. there are days where i desperately want to go to grad school and pursue my art at a higher lever and am, therefore, content in the waiting for kids. it's overwhelming to think about all these things and plans and desires and callings and timing and...all of it. my partner in ice cream patronage spoke words of deep truth that are still resonating in my mind--truth that overwhelms yet completely frees my heart, truth that i love yet constantly rebel against in my anxiety and attempt planning out my life. this thing you're doing, this life you're in, you think you planned it out. you think you got yourself to where you are. but you're wrong--you are part of such a bigger story than any of what you're trying to accomplish. and this story is not about you, and it's not about what you want. the world does not revolve around you, and it does not revolve around me either. rest in that. that truth should free us up to live our lives, allowing what will come to come when it comes. this truth ought not lead us to apathy but to freedom to love more recklessly, live more fully, and breathe more deeply because we get to commit our entire lives and being to living and not to trying to figure it all out and control it all. we can't control it. we can't figure it all out. stop wasting time trying to figure out exactly what you'll be doing in 20 years. this right now, this moment, this season, this is life. and, yes, it's hard not knowing what's in 20 years. it really, really is, especially when it seems like everything is so deeply and intricately woven together in a way that i am afraid of taking the wrong step or signing the right contract. but the answer to that is not obsession, anxiety, or planning. i've tried all those methods, and, you know what? none of them work. they usually, in fact, make things worse. 

i have so many more thoughts about these things. and so many other things to add about how taking risks and walking in a direction are so important and are actually not contrary to anything i have already said, but, alas, it is time to teach middle schoolers how to use their voices.
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