the times are changin'
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

nineveh beckons

I actually am feeling much better than I was about a week ago about some things in my life (and, yes, I am going to be that vague), but I still wanted to share some of my struggles recently. Partly because that's the whole point of the blog. Also because I'm not so sure this struggle is gone. I'll begin with the simile-allusion which defines the struggle. I feel as though I am in the belly of the whale, still wrestling, fighting with God over my call to Nineveh...but I'm not quite sure what is my Nineveh and what is my Tarshish. Some days I feel like I know, but it only takes about 24 hours for me to find myself convinced of the complete opposite. What I find most disturbing in myself, and in Jonah, is the attitude of my heart. I find myself quite resentful that God has made it as hard as he has and as painful as he has with no hope of relief anytime soon. And yet relief can also be terrifying because what if it is false? What if it is my flesh convincing me of untruth? And I find myself wanting to quit. Just stop fighting. Stop struggling. But when I do that, I don't find life; I don't find freedom or relief; I find paralysis and despair.

Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for your are my servant;
I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.
I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist;
Return to me, for I have redeemed you.
Isaiah 44:21-22

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Monday, March 23, 2009

on our way to crazy

almost no one slides on purpose
no one sells their soul for free
but once we learn the things that hurt us
we're on our way to crazy
-from "on our way to crazy" by don chaffer

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Friday, March 13, 2009

small things

You know, sometimes it's the small things, like orange soda, that get you through the hard weeks. As scrumptious and refreshing as a good, cold glass of this carbonated citrus is, i don't really think it's so much the bubbles and sweetness as it is what it represents: something to get excited about, a rediscovery of an old friend, a distraction from the developing methods of Stanislavski. 
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Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I think my problem, among the plethora of ones I possess, is that I want God to swoop down and fix everything. It's like I have a broken toy and I'm crying and crying and crying for it to be fixed. Maybe I have to be patient. Maybe I'm supposed to move on to other things. Or maybe, being the loving Daddy/jealous Husband He is, He wants me to, before I do anything else, come and sit with Him, even if it's just to sit and cry in His bosom. I think that's what He wants more than anything else. And that is what I want, too. Now, that is. I want that now, it's not always been what I wanted, especially not right now, not in these circumstances. Maybe I've been scared to sit there because He would make me fix it. Or maybe I've been scared He'll let me tell my problems and pat me on my head and send me on my way with a task I feel I am incapable to complete. Or maybe I've been scared to go and find He's angry because it's all my fault: I broke the toy in the first place. But He's not like that. I know He's not. I know He's not. I know He's not. I repeat it for my edification as well as yours. Why I insist on tearing myself from the bosom of Christ, why I would rather believe the voices of all the lions of hell than that Great Lamb, why I keep being deceived that there's something I'm missing apart from Christ, I'll never know, but this I do: that bosom is the place I long for and it's the place I wrestle to remain. Maybe this struggle is what Jesus was talking about when He said "Abide in me."
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Monday, March 9, 2009


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