i know this job is not the same calibre of "suffering" as many experience everyday. but this job teaches me my weaknesses every. single. day. it's very overwhelming. i am not fit in and of myself for my profession. it is proven to me over and over again, which i'm thinking now is part of why i am here for now. there is desperate longing in my heart for what is to come after this season. i want so much to have a job where i feel as though i flourish not just survive, to feel like i have freedom to move out of the state of south carolina, to have a baby. my theme song this week has been gungor's "this is not the end." this weakness, these longings, they are not the end. and as i endure the trials and i endure the longing, i am joining in with creation groaning for the day that everything will be restored, everything will be put back into place, everything will be the way it's supposed to be. the lie i must not believe is that once my four year debt is paid to the state of south carolina that everything will be set right. if that's what i begin to believe i will truly always be miserable and unsatisfied. i must live today, hoping for that restoration that will come when the King returns. maybe you think i am reacting too intensely. maybe it's too much. but this is the way in which God has chosen to break me of self-reliance and to trust Him alone for power and strength. sometimes i feel like a big whiney baby, but i know that there is more at work here than me being a weakling who can't handle it. this season of pruning and refinement is not about the job. it all comes back to the gospel. it always does. also, can i be honest? anyone who thinks teaching is an easy job needs to try to teach 30 teenagers in one classroom that they should be respectful audience members or that theatre is worthwhile and relevant to their lives or that it's really not your fault that they have to take your class even though they didn't sign up for it.
you have to read this passage and listen to the song at the same time.
from romans 8
18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. 23 And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. 24 For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.
26 Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. 27 And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.
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