the times are changin'
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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

nineveh beckons

I actually am feeling much better than I was about a week ago about some things in my life (and, yes, I am going to be that vague), but I still wanted to share some of my struggles recently. Partly because that's the whole point of the blog. Also because I'm not so sure this struggle is gone. I'll begin with the simile-allusion which defines the struggle. I feel as though I am in the belly of the whale, still wrestling, fighting with God over my call to Nineveh...but I'm not quite sure what is my Nineveh and what is my Tarshish. Some days I feel like I know, but it only takes about 24 hours for me to find myself convinced of the complete opposite. What I find most disturbing in myself, and in Jonah, is the attitude of my heart. I find myself quite resentful that God has made it as hard as he has and as painful as he has with no hope of relief anytime soon. And yet relief can also be terrifying because what if it is false? What if it is my flesh convincing me of untruth? And I find myself wanting to quit. Just stop fighting. Stop struggling. But when I do that, I don't find life; I don't find freedom or relief; I find paralysis and despair.

Remember these things, O Jacob, and Israel, for your are my servant;
I formed you; you are my servant; O Israel, you will not be forgotten by me.
I have blotted out your transgressions like a cloud and your sins like a mist;
Return to me, for I have redeemed you.
Isaiah 44:21-22

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