how do i say this

This blog post has been a long time coming. I've thought about the need for me to write it repeatedly. I need to say it. In the same way that I've needed other people's stories, people need to hear it. But I've never known how to talk about it. How do I start? Where's the line of "over-sharing?" Am I far enough in the journey to begin talking about it openly? Do I need to wait until I'm "better" to share my story? How will people respond? Is what I'm dealing with even that big of a deal? Why does this feel like an insurmountable mountain to me when I know so many people have it so, so much worse than I ever have or ever will? What am I really trying to share?

...Okay. I think you get the idea.

Besides the whole anxiety-ridden fear of people's approval, blah blah blah, I think that it's difficult for me to know how to share my story because there are so many facets to it. I'm learning so much about who I am and how I'm wired that it's not just a simple story with a beginning, middle, and end. So, where do I start?  Pregnancy? My struggle with returning to work? A slew of baby pictures? (Don't worry, they're coming.) Postpartum depression? My realization that anxiety has actually been a part of my daily existence my whole life? An annoying explanation of what I need to write about? (See what I did there?) There's so much to process, and, frankly, I've been avoiding processing it fully. It's scary to dig in "too deep." My brain has the tendency to obsess, so I'm always having to find the balance between avoiding and over-analyzing, the difference between processing and mulling.

So. For now, I'll leave it to say, I am struggling. I am loving life, but I'm struggling. I'm learning so much and at times feeling so full, but I. Am. Struggling. The most powerful truth I've received during this struggle is that I am not alone. And neither are you, which is why I have to share my story, even if it's messy or poorly told.

As promised...not quite a slew but a few pictures of the cutest baby in the whole stinking world.

recap of 2014 via instagram

i know. i suck at blogging regularly. maybe that's something that will change in 2015? new post to come soon. i promise.

interim

As I alluded in a previous post, I spent my weekend with my BFF in Chicago. Confession: I did not stick to my routine, and, yes, after 5 mornings off of the routine, it has been very difficult to get back on the wagon. Two responses: I was on vacay. I'm the only saying this routine is what I have to do. I will say, though, that I did find some decent yoga videos on Hulu to use on mornings where I need a quick exercise without going to the gym. So, we're calling my stay in Chicago and the resulting difficult mornings afterward the interim.

This idea of "interim" has been on the forefront of my mind because I've realized that this is the way I've been viewing this stage in my life. It's an "in-between," a transition between college and where I actually "want to be." While in Chicago, though, I was encouraged by a local pastor who shared these words, 

"be fully present

deepen your roots

no matter the timeline"

It doesn't mean to not plan ahead or to "settle," especially if you know you are called to prepare for something beyond what you already have, i.e. grad school, buying a house, having a family, etc. What it does mean, though, is to be living fully in every moment, considering what you can do for the neighbors around you now and how you can cultivate community and culture in the city you currently live in. It's scary to consider trying to plant roots even if you know you might be transplanted--being vulnerable and building relationships when you know you might leave is really hard and sometimes counter-intuitive--but your presence won't mean much if you stay packed up in your own little world, meticulously planning what your life will be like rather than fully living in your life now. Be a gift to those who are in your life now. This is real life. This right here. Be fully present. Deepen your roots. No matter the timeline. 

Now, here are some fun photos from the Lincoln Park Zoo & Molly's Cupcakes:

day one

Well I did it. It took me 2 hours and 10 minutes. (Technically 3 hours and 10 minutes if you count the fact that I had planned to get up at 630, but decided to sleep another hour instead.) But still, progress, and I actually feel pretty good. I think I can cut down the time over the next 3 weeks. Also, the 10 minutes came mostly from issues with the internet and my insistence on watching the "Thank You Notes" section of The Tonight Show episode I was watching, starring Jimmy Fallon, who I had to realize this morning was not actually my best friend, regardless of the dream I had had the night before. Rough morning. I also realized this morning that I am going to need to be creative this weekend as I am in Chicago with Samson's aunt, who also just happens to actually be a best friend. More on creative ways to keep up morning routines in a place that is not your home soon...I hope.

For those of who may feel like this post was a waste of your time, I pay my recompense in the form of Jimmy Fallon, my (almost) best friend: